I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
