fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
