He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
