Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
