just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
