i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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