The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
