There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You were trust falling into bushes
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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