The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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