he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
