You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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