I cannot find my penis.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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