I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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