I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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