I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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