I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
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