is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
