you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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