when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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