Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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