I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
