Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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