I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
