You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i want to swaddle you in tequila
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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