I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize