one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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