My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
