Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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