Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
