I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
