god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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