my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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