I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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