Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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