Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I could have mohawked her pubes.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
