ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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