Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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