is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
