i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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