I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
