I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I smell like Dick and happiness
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
