Sober January is a disaster.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
