I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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