Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just found a bag of teeth...
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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