so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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