So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Randomize
