Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
