1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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