its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
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