I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just forgot I was standing up.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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