Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i used baking grease as lip gloss
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
