the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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