he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
