how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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