I wish I could teleport
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize