God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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