how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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